Stonewalling in Relationships: Examples, Effects, and How to Overcome It

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling refers to the act of withdrawing from a conversation or interaction to avoid conflict, emotions, or responsibility. Unlike healthy pauses to cool down during arguments, stonewalling involves a complete refusal to engage, leaving the other person feeling unheard and invalidated.

Signs of Stonewalling

1. Refusing to answer questions or provide input.
2. Walking away in the middle of a conversation.
3. Avoiding eye contact or turning away.
4. Pretending to be too busy to talk.
5. Dismissing the other person’s concerns with phrases like, “This isn’t worth discussing.”
6. Responding with vague or dismissive answers, such as “I don’t care” or “Whatever.”

Why Do People Stonewall?

Stonewalling is often a defensive mechanism, and understanding its root causes is crucial to addressing it.

Common Reasons Behind Stonewalling

1. Emotional Overwhelm: The individual feels emotionally flooded and shuts down to avoid further stress.
2. Avoidance of Conflict: They may fear confrontation or lack the skills to resolve disagreements constructively.
3. Lack of Empathy: In some cases, stonewalling can be a deliberate tactic to avoid taking responsibility or addressing the other person’s needs.
4. Feeling Threatened: Stonewalling might occur when someone feels attacked or criticized during a discussion.
5. Power and Control: For some, stonewalling is a manipulative strategy to exert control by withholding communication.

Examples of Stonewalling in Real Life

Example 1: Romantic Relationship

Scenario: During an argument, Alex accuses Taylor of never supporting their decisions. Taylor responds by crossing their arms, turning their back, and refusing to respond. When Alex tries to engage, Taylor leaves the room without saying a word.

Effect: Alex feels ignored, disrespected, and frustrated, while Taylor avoids the confrontation entirely. Over time, this behavior creates resentment and emotional distance.

Example 2: Parent-Child Relationship

Scenario: A teenager, Emma, asks her father why he missed her school play. Feeling guilty and uncomfortable, her father avoids the topic, saying, “It’s not a big deal,” and turns on the TV.

Effect: Emma feels her emotions are invalidated, and her father misses an opportunity to address her hurt feelings, leading to a strained relationship.

Example 3: Workplace Dynamics

Scenario: During a team meeting, a manager critiques an employee’s performance. Feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, the employee avoids eye contact, stops contributing, and remains silent for the rest of the discussion.

Effect: The lack of communication prevents constructive feedback and damages trust between the manager and the employee.

Example 4: Friendship

Scenario: Lisa shares with her friend Sarah that she’s upset about a misunderstanding. Instead of addressing the issue, Sarah changes the subject and avoids discussing it.

Effect: Lisa feels dismissed and unsupported, leading to a rift in their friendship.

Example 5: Marriage

Scenario: During a conversation about finances, one spouse repeatedly says, “I don’t want to talk about this right now,” every time the other brings up budgeting concerns.

Effect: Avoiding the discussion prevents resolution and creates frustration and mistrust over financial matters.

Example 6: Conflict in Extended Family

Scenario: After a heated argument during a family gathering, one family member refuses to answer calls or respond to messages from the other for weeks.

Effect: The prolonged silence creates tension and leaves unresolved issues festering within the family dynamic.

The Effects of Stonewalling on Relationships

Stonewalling may provide temporary relief for the person withdrawing, but its long-term effects can be damaging to relationships.

1. Emotional Disconnect

When one partner shuts down, the other often feels isolated and unsupported, weakening the emotional bond over time.

2. Escalation of Conflict

Stonewalling prevents resolution, leading to frustration and escalating conflicts as issues remain unaddressed.

3. Reduced Trust

The refusal to engage in communication erodes trust, as the recipient may feel abandoned or unimportant.

4. Psychological Distress

Being stonewalled can lead to feelings of rejection, anxiety, and low self-esteem for the recipient.

5. Relationship Breakdown

Prolonged stonewalling can ultimately lead to the dissolution of relationships due to unmet emotional needs and unresolved issues.

How to Avoid Stonewalling

Avoiding stonewalling requires conscious effort and a commitment to healthy communication. Here are strategies for both the person who tends to stonewall and the recipient.

For the Person Who Stonewalls

1. Recognize Your Triggers

Identify the situations that make you shut down. Is it criticism, conflict, or emotional overwhelm? Recognizing your triggers helps you address the underlying issue.

Example: If financial discussions trigger anxiety, acknowledge it and ask for a pause rather than withdrawing completely.

2. Take a Break—Not a Walkout

If you feel overwhelmed, communicate that you need a moment to collect your thoughts rather than abruptly ending the conversation.

Example: “I need a few minutes to think about this. Can we come back to it in 15 minutes?”

3. Practice Emotional Regulation

Use techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling to calm your emotions and prepare for difficult conversations.

Example: Before re-engaging in a tough discussion, take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

4. Develop Conflict Resolution Skills

Learn to express your feelings without fear. Use “I” statements to communicate effectively without sounding accusatory.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel unheard when I try to express my concerns.”

5. Seek Therapy

If stonewalling is a recurring pattern, therapy can help address its root causes and teach healthier coping mechanisms.

For the Recipient of Stonewalling

1. Avoid Escalating the Situation

Reacting with anger or frustration can push the person further into withdrawal. Stay calm and avoid pressuring them to respond.

Example: Instead of saying, “Why won’t you talk to me?” try, “I’d like to talk when you’re ready.”

2. Encourage Open Communication

Create a safe environment for dialogue by expressing your desire to understand their perspective.

Example: “I want to know what’s on your mind. How can we approach this together?”

3. Set Healthy Boundaries

If stonewalling becomes a manipulative or repetitive pattern, establish boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

Example: “I understand you need time, but I can’t be ignored for long periods. Let’s agree to revisit this within the day.”

4. Focus on Self-Care

Dealing with stonewalling can be emotionally draining. Prioritize activities that recharge you, such as exercising, meditating, or talking to a trusted friend.

5. Consider Professional Help

Couples or individual therapy can provide tools to improve communication and resolve underlying issues contributing to stonewalling.

How to Overcome Stonewalling as a Couple

1. Commit to Open Dialogue

Both partners must agree to prioritize communication, even during conflicts. Set ground rules for healthy discussions, such as:

• No interrupting.
• No walking away without mutual agreement.

2. Use a Time-Out System

Agree on a signal or phrase to indicate when one person needs a break, ensuring that the conversation will resume after a set time.

Example: “Let’s pause for 30 minutes and come back to this calmly.”

3. Practice Active Listening

Show empathy by actively listening to the other person’s concerns without interrupting or dismissing them.

Example: “I hear that you’re upset about how we handled the situation. Let’s talk about how we can improve.”

4. Reconnect Emotionally

Address the emotional disconnect caused by stonewalling by engaging in activities that strengthen your bond, such as date nights, shared hobbies, or quality time.

5. Acknowledge Progress

Celebrate small improvements in communication to reinforce positive behavior and build trust.

Example: “I appreciate that you stayed in the conversation even when it was hard. It means a lot.”

What Researchers Say About Stonewalling

• According to the Gottman Institute, stonewalling is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship failure, alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
• Studies in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy indicate that stonewalling often stems from emotional flooding, where individuals feel overwhelmed and unable to process emotions effectively.
• Research highlights that couples who address stonewalling with professional guidance experience improved communication and relationship satisfaction.

Final Thoughts on Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a common yet harmful behavior that can disrupt relationships and hinder emotional connection. By recognizing its signs, understanding its root causes, and implementing strategies to address it, individuals and couples can break the cycle of withdrawal and foster healthier communication. Whether you’re the one stonewalling or the recipient, remember that empathy, patience, and a commitment to growth are essential for overcoming this challenge.